The Numbness Questionaire

I've been numb lately. It's not the very first time, but I know this time it's different... Do I feel anything? No. Why? I don't know. But I do hurt others, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes even intentionally. Is that revenge? Yes, maybe it is.

Okay so this is how it is, I do feel hurt, I do feel angry, I do feel irritated, getting angry is my 2nd nature, and surely within the last 2 months it got stronger. So what does it mean when I say I don't feel? It simply means I don't feel. But how can I say that when I know I  do feel the emotions I just mentioned? I feel negative emotions time to time, but not the positive ones.

If I don't feel positive emotions, then it means I don't feel happy? Not exactly, I am happy. Does being happy include whining about everything? No, but I know I feel happy. When was the last time I felt truly happy? Not sure about it, but I do spend time happily. Do I feel happy around my family? No, I feel like I don't share much to feel happy with them, but otherwise I'm happy. Do I feel happy when I'm with my friends? Yes, maybe... Because when I'm with them, most of the time I'm least depressed. So even my friends don't make me happy? They do, they made me happy on my birthday by arranging a surprise for me. So that's materialistic happiness? Maybe, but I was happy about their efforts and not just their gifts. So my friends made efforts on one day and I became happy, otherwise I feel unhappy? Not exactly, but mostly I'm in such a state of mind that I don't bother about anything going on. Do I listen to them when they talk? Yes I do, mostly I know what they talk about and I respond even when I'm not interested in their topics. They don't have interesting topics to talk about? They do have good topics but I don't like them, I feel uninterested. So my friends make efforts to make me happy and they haven't cut off even though they know I feel uninterested in their conversations, and I say I don't feel happy because of them? I don't feel that happy, but I know I should, it's my fault not theirs.

So my friends are not the reason for making me feel unhappy. It's all inside my own head and I've known it. But friends aren't the only one I interact write, do I feel happy around strangers? If that's a totally unknown person, I can talk freely... And even when I'm not in a good mood, I can start up an interesting conversation and enjoy it. And what about known unknowns? I feel nervous because when people know me through someone else, I don't feel comfortable. I wonder what they know about me, what they think about me, so when I talk to them I feel weird.

So coming back to the numbness, I have been feeling emotionless, or maybe positive emotionless. Yes, that's the word. I don't feel affectionate towards others, I don't care about other people and their feelings. All I care about? Is the fact that I've been hurt... And I blame others for it... Maybe my heart is in a state of denial... Maybe it blame others for the sin it commits... Countless endless sins... Maybe I am too coward to admit that it's not others... Maybe I am the one who is wrong... Maybe it's my heart that has hardened not my behavior.

I was told to seek Allah, in order to seek happiness. And somewhere in the way I have deviated. Maybe that's the reason for my numbness. Maybe I know how I will get rid of it... But I'm too hopeless to seek the right path. Ya ALLAH help me.

The friend who is indeed a friend...

All i wanted was my peace of mind... I wanted it all to end.. I wanted a free life, a sin free life... I knew i was still  doing wrong things n i had been doing wrong for so long... Some how i knew she had the answer.. I knew she could help me.. I knew she wont call me an extremist n i wanted to be told i was trying to make it right... My decision and my thinking was right.. I wanted to be told i was NOT being conservative ..

I sent her a DM on Twitter asking for her help n that she can help me better than my family . Some days later i got a text from her... I wasn't feeling low that day but i tired to tell her about it n it helped...

I just started saying it..the words came in a flow but they were unordered.. As if the mess i was in,was bring displayed in my words ... I still don't remember what exactly i told her, i was too hurt to remember my own words... I do know what our topics were and I tried to express it all in a rush... I remember I was crying within minutes.. But her replies were deep, motivational and pure... Even months later i still read her messages n my IMAAN gets stronger, atleast thats how i do feel...

I told her how sinful i felt, how i had started hating all my actions... I questioned her why i was still doing wrong even though i prayed regularly...  Why i was still attracted to my wrong deeds even when i was trying to leave it all... How can a person think good n do bad??? N she helped... Her words were kind n i felt that was exactly what i needed... When i told her i wanted to get rid of my sins she figured out what i was pointing to...

* Look. Allah SWT ne hum sb ko aqal e saleem pr paida kia ha. We all know whats right nd whats wrong. 2ndly, every single creation of Allah SWT is 'Muslim'. Ur eyes, ur ears. ur heart, ur arms. Aur woh sb Allah k hukm manana chahte hn. Its us, we force our eyes to go against Allah. We force ourselves to commit sins. We make wrong choices. Allah ne KHER hr insan k andr rkhi hui hoti ha, ye hmare pe ha ya to hum apni iss innate quality ko Quran ki roshni de dn aur ache musalman bn jaen ya hum apni iss quality ko society, norms, fashion, frends k hwaale kr k SUPPRESS kr dn. Hm khud apne dil pe sins ki layers chrha dete hn taa k zmeer hmari malamat krna h chor de. WE HAVE TO MAKE CORRECT CHOICE.

*Alhumdulillah tum bilkul thek soch rei ho. Gunaaho se, society k customs se chirr hona is a very positive thing. Kyu hum Allah k rang ko chor kr kisi aur ka rang apnaen. Kyu hmari society Madinah wali society nei ha. Jb tak hmari society nei badalti hm uski nei sunen ge. We have to change our society.

*Alhumdulillah . Allah SWT wants u to change thats all. Bus zindagi mn hmn aik h kaam krna ha woh ha QURAN se chipakna. Buss!! Jb quran kholo iss niyyat se kholo k Allah mje btaen mn kia kru. Tmhn tmhara hr aik jwaab mil jae ga IA. Trust me.

*Ye yaad rkho k 5 namazen prhna is minimum. And Jannah is v.expensive. AllaH SWT demands every single sacrifice.

*Aj ummat ka srf aik masla ha woh ye k hm ne kyu k apna DEEN seekha h nei tou hmn aj uss pe aur uske tareequ pe fakhar krna nei ata. Hum apni gr bechaini ka ilaaj dhoondne dostu k paas ya maa baap k paas jate hn aur woh hmn ye smjha k thanda kr dete hn 'u being conservative, islam mn aitdaal pasandi ha' and bla bla. Hum kyu na Allah se poochen k hmn kia krna chaiye? Hum kyu na Quran kholen so that Allah SWT speak directly to us nd tell us what to do.
Yei to na. Hum namaz prhte hn hum Quran nehi prhte. Allah se baat krte hm mage ye nei pata k Allah ne hm se kia baaten ki hui hn 6666 ayahs r thr.

I told her i read Quran but I don't read translation... I told her i barely get time because of my routine. I can't even find time to ready my course books...

* What do you mean? Course books are secondary. We have to live in this world as a visitor. We should read these worldly books only to thr extent that we live in this world. Our real home is in Jannah. You want to prepare for it or not? Its preparation can be done with these books only . ILm e Deen is farz just like Salaat.

I told her it gets difficult for me when I try to follow Parda and others stop me. They think I am doing too much...

*Mje to bht maza ata ha. I love to be a rebel. Mje itni khushi hoti ha k mn society k 90% logu jesi nei hu. Im going against the tide. Aur wase bhi 'Allah k rang se behtr rang ks ka ho skta ha' Quran ki ayat ha na.

*Tmhn pata ha aik dfa mere parde ka bht issue bna. Tb mn roi bht roi. Aur Allah se dua ki k mere dil ko halka kr dn. Tb mn ne randomly rack pe pri hui tafaaseer mn se aik uthai aur dua k sath randomly aik page khol dia. And what i found was surah Noor. Tb mje yaqeen a gya Allah SWT ne iss kitab mn meri h kahaani likhi ha. Tb mn ne soch lia IA, mn kbi apne parde ki hudd ko kisi k lye ni khtm kru gi chahe sb jitni baten krn.

*Improve ur vocabulary ;) stylish matlab 'jahil'. Dunya k peche bhagne wala koi b insan stylish ni hota. Hijaab and Parda is the peak of style.

*Kbi kisi ko apna hijaab na utaarne dena. Qabar mn tmhare sath na ami jaen gi na abu aur na behnen na bhai. Wahan akele h letna. Bus jb koi haq ka faisla kro tou uss oe dutt jao.

And that's what I keep in my when I get into any such situation... When others say its fine its just family I shouldn't be this much crazy about ot.. That's what I tell myself. They wont be in my grave.. I'll be there alone.. I'll pay for my sins alone... On judgment day they'll not help me...I'll be on my own then, I should be on my own now...We talked about love... I told her how i felt... The one thing that i hated...

*Aur aik baat yad rkhna fatima. Tum se srf woi shakhs waqye h mohabbat krta ha jo tmhn Jannat mn apne sath le jana chahte ha. Aik aise ghar mn jahan forver ka union ho ga. Baki hr insan ki mohabbat deception hoti ha. Tmhn guilt feel hoga( shatan tm se feel krwae ga) k tm ne uss bechare k sath acha nei kia and all. Tb dil ko yad krwana k mje Allah se ziada koi mohabbt ni lr skta aur Allah ne hudood muqarar ki hn to woh mere h faide k lye hn. Aur ye k jo tmhn apne sath gunah gar bnae woh kbi tmhara mehboob nei ho skta. Never.

*Jo apne Rabb se wafa nei kr skta hai uss insan se hum wafa ki umeed kese kr skte??

*Ye jo Love before wedding wale chakar hn ye sb bus nei tahzeeb k gandey anday hn. Its nt even real.

*We have more or less the same story my frend. Dont worry. Trust me. Quran fills ths gap. Telling u my personal experience :):) Quran se pyaar ho jae to smjho baki dunya sari stupid lgne lg jati ha.

*Anyways kehne dou. Pehle mn logu se mohabbaten kia krti thi iss lye i used to feel hurt jb koi kuch kehta tha. Ab mn doosru se mohabbaten srf Allah k lye krti hu, iss lye ab mje koi farak h nei prta k koi mje kia kehta ha. Kyu k ab mera hr muamla Allah k sath ha, IA woi mje jizza de ga. Tmhare sath baat kr rei hu srf issi waja se k
Uhibbuki Fillah (Love you for Allah')

*Insha Allah. Bus apni niyyatu ko khalis rkhna. The one who is in search of Truth, Allah SWT guides him. This is unquestionable fact.

Maybe some people are here to guide us.. With their words and with their own personal experience...and thats what she did... I'm glad I do have her to help me... I don't know how strong her Imaan is, I don't know how regularly she prays, I don't even know what lies in her heart... But who am I to judge? I am not the one who should judge the intensity of her Imaan. I can only perceive what she shows me, I can only ask for help knowing that she'll help me for the sake of Allah.

Kaabah

I don't know how people feel when they visit Haram Sharif. I've asked my cousin about it, she said one feels himself being nothing... You think you're just a tiny creature of Allah almighty and your existence is just minute. My aunt told me every single person who looks at Kaabah eventually cries. What kind of tears are they? I'm sure they're pure, when you cry right from your heart... They say the desire to see it lies in every heart. All believers want to see it live, touch it with their own hands and pray... I wish to be among those lucky ones to IN SHA ALLAH.

So I save the pictures of Kaabah when ever they show up on my fb home page... I've been doing it since April... When you open up a picture and just stare at it... When you just want to visit it at least once in your life... When you want to feel what others feel. I want to pray in HIS house just like them. I hope i get a chance IA...

So it was my school friend who was doing Umrah... I don't even know her personally, I don't like most of what she posts on Facebook. But during the time she was there, she used to update status and I loved reading those... There's a longing that I used to feel... So one day she shared a post of her cousin or sister and I got star struck after reading it. I know that was the one time I cried when I should have... I know I don't cry on things on which people usually do, but that day I knew my tears were pure too... I couldn't like the original post or share it but I felt love for my maker at that time and I still feel it when I read it... That makes me think I have Imaan, even if it's not strong but I still possess it... So here it goes... I want to share that post for others... I don't know how many people read my blog or even if any one reads it or not... But I can still do it... Maybe someone somewhere is struggling with himself for Imaan, maybe it can help that person realize that love...

Ramsha Ijaz :
Today we are going back to Pakistan so I was in front of kabah and it's door was open for cleaning purpose. When the door got closed and all the police men went I prayed to Allah that please make me pray 2 nafal in Hateem don't let me go empty handed this time. I don't know what happened as soon I said this I just went towards it and got inside without difficulty. As soon as I got in many people started coming and I did not have place to do sajda so I said maybe its impossible to pray, but then I don't know from where one woman came and she stood in front of me like a shield and I got space to do sajda and I completed my nafal. Then I went out and touched the kaba, and prayed. After that I prayed to Nafal to thank Allah and was crying. It made me happy that I prayed in Hateem but what made me more happy was that Allah(swt) listened to me there and then. As soon as I completed my prayer I felt something is taking me towards what I prayed for. Subhan Allah it made me cry. After such a long time I actually felt connected to Allah. I actually felt that He is Al- hayy and Al- wadood and Al- mujeeb. I have no idea how atheists deny the existence of Him and how are they still alive. He is a REAL GOD and He listens to your prayers. Don't loose hope in Allah that is the worst thing you can do.

"And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided." 2:186

Where do we stand???

I got a letter form my friend today... When it comes to Islam, she's someone who inspires me. So I just read her letter. How did that make me feel? Am I hurt? No. Am I guilty? No, even if I am...I am sure it'll be less than 1 percent. What kind of Imaan do I have? Am I still the same? Do I still don't feel any urge to follow the right path? Do I even want to change myself? How much time has it been? 3 months...  3 whole months...  100 days... And what changes do I find in myself? Who should I blame this time? Society? Family? My friends? Or my ownself???

Where exactly do I stand? What answers do I have to my friend's  letter? What should I tell her? Hey I got your letter, you are good with words and your Imaan as you said is what I found wayyy better than mine. Is that it? Is that what I am supposed to do? Should I not worry about what she mentioned? Should I not expect my eyes to shed tears for the love of Islam? Should I even expect myself to feel? To feel the depth of her words.. How beautifully she said " someone recited Azaan in mt ears, when I got a little older my mother taught me kalma and I became a muslim.. ". Isn't that what we think being muslim is about?

We're born and Azaan is recited in our ears, we die and people say Namax at our funeral... And how long do we live? 60 years? 65? 70? Where does it even state we're gonna live that longer?Do we even know if clock strikes the next minute? And these worldly 60 years... They are just the size of grains compared to what our hereafter would be like..Where do we stand in our own life? What is it that we're doing for our hereafter? Do I pray? Ok yes Alhamdulillah I do pray... Or do I? We all know ourselves... How much we delay our prayers... How much Salaat we miss... The hurry we're in to get to our world and pray as quickly as possible... Where our mind roams around when we're praying... What faces we make if our parents force us to pray... And how unlucky we are... There are people who leave their families for the sake of Islam, and we..?? We're BORN Muslims and we don't respect that? We don't value our religion and we think it's a shame to follow it... Where are we even heading?

I shed tears easily... My friends say I didn't fully have an emotional development...  we laugh about it because I cry easily... On the tiniest problems I cry... But where are my tears when it comes to my Deen? How much do I cry in my prayers? Do I even do so? How much do we lack in our relationship with Allah and what do we even do about it? Ok yes I cried... 100 days back I was talking to Amna I told her I commit sins even though I pray regularly... I cried because i knew I was doing wrong... I wanted to escape this society where praying is considered being conservative... I cried because I didn't love the person who loved us 1400 years back... Who was he? He was a human... He had needs and wants like we all do... But who did he love? He loved his Ummat. He is prophet Muhammad SAW, he cared for his Ummat when we weren't even born... The time I cried.. Because I  knew I didn't love our prophet SAW... I didn't love him more than what I can love my parents or siblings or any other person... I didn't love him then and I cried...what about now? Do I love him now or am I still the same? I know the answer... Saying it won't matter would it? Or maybe it will make me change myself with the guilt...

There are questions that she asked... I don't how exactly I'll answer her... I guess we all need to ask ourself these questions each day...

How is your Imaan?

How is your Taaluk-e-Quran?

How do you read Quran?

How's your Salaat?

How is your link with  Prophet SAW and the Sahabaa?

How is the relationship?

Answer your ownself each day and ask yourself where you stand... If we can't answer them now... How will we answer them on the day of judgment? What will we say to our Lord? Sleep was more important.. Work was more important... Society norms and fashion was important?? I know had it been around 1 year back... Maybe I would have found it weird... Someone saying all this to me, I might have had my ears closed... But there's one thing... Deep down we all know we're doing wrong... Its all upon our own choices and our decisions how we mould ourselves for the world... We need to stand for ourself, our religion and not for the lust of this world... Stand firm for Islam, yet speak to others with your actions before you speak with your words.. We have HIS love... Why do we want more? We don't need it... What we do need is forgiveness... We need to repent and not waste our time thinking we'll have old age to be religious... Praying 5 times a day doesn't make us religious, it simply makes us a Muslim.

The choice is ours...

Sometimes i feel I'm the dumbest person i know of... Considering what I'm doing with my life and how hopeless I am... It all breaks my heart to see what I have become... At times i feel like a hypocrite... Like I'm pretending to be good when I'm actually evil... I mean i don't know why but that's how I do feel... At on side that's how I am... The way I feel, I react... But on the other... Its like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not... Maybe its because I get depressed or maybe it's something else... I don't know for sure... But there's one thing I know... When my family says I'm becoming strict and extreme regarding religion,  I don't agree with them but I do know I'm not faking it... I don't pretend to b religious, I just act the way I feel so, it's not a lie... Its real, right from my own heart... Somewhere I'm trying to make it all right...

And it's all weird.. My life, my emotions, my thinking...  It's all unusual..  I'm back to square one... Right where I was 8 or 9 months back... But it was different then... I didn't have the motivation to gey on with my life... The people closest to me were getting apart and it was all my doing... I can't blame them but then again maybe I'm not the one to be blamed as well... Maybe it was just a small thing... I make issues out of the smallest of things... And my bestie got married, she left the college, it's not something to feel bad about that's how life is... I  shouldn't miss her that much... But I do, and that's what I don't like... It's as if I argue with life, I argue with the most obvious things and I don't like it, I dont want that...

The fact that I'm not close to my family irritates me and I want to get rid of it... I've had other people to talk to, to trust, to share things... And now its just me...

But I have Allah Almighty with me... He's with me through every situation... No matter how hard it is, I always get through... He says in the Quran : "Remember me and I will remember you" and how thankless I am to not see His blessings, to not think He loves me... He loves man more than 70 mothers...  a single mother's love is beyond all boundaries... He loves us more than 70 mothers... He calls us 5 times a day but we don't bother... Even if we do pray... We think we'll get jannah just because we prayed... Even though we know it deep down that our prayers lacked the sincerity...
Jannah is very expensive... I remember what Amna said, "keep in mind praying salat 5 times is the minimum and jannah is very expensive, Allah Swt demands every single sacrifice "

If all we need is love why don't we return the love we get from our maker? If duniya makes us unhappy why can't we strive to make our hereafter better?? If the world crushes our emotions why can't we stop committing sins?? The choice is ours... Just for average 60 years of this world, we're ruining our afterlife... The choice is ours..

Just another beginning..

Three years back i decided i should be a writer some day... i didn expect what my life would b... it was different... way different... i didn know where i would end up... i wasnt sure abt the clg.. or the uni.... n honestly speaking..i was just soooo sure that i'd b single till m married...n i don't  even know why m saying dis... but life is really different... the way u expect it to b... it turns out to b really unpredictable....

Anyways... i had thought about blogging... n i tried... i had those writeups... n i used to write a lot... whenever i was sad or happy or even when i was mad i used to read my own writeups...

Well enough with that... i guess i should  write about myself... m 18... n i'll b 19 this October... n I am a Home Economist...hopefully i'll select Food and Nutrition as my major... or else Textiles... bt like i said... u never know what your future holds... So it can b Interiors or Arts Or even Psychology :P

N wow thats an effort... i had actually dropped the idea of blogging.. n even the writeups that i had... they landed in the dust bin :P

N thnx to a frn... i saw that blog n i don't know from where it all jusy came... i mean now i knw i have to do it!! :D