The choice is ours...

Sometimes i feel I'm the dumbest person i know of... Considering what I'm doing with my life and how hopeless I am... It all breaks my heart to see what I have become... At times i feel like a hypocrite... Like I'm pretending to be good when I'm actually evil... I mean i don't know why but that's how I do feel... At on side that's how I am... The way I feel, I react... But on the other... Its like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not... Maybe its because I get depressed or maybe it's something else... I don't know for sure... But there's one thing I know... When my family says I'm becoming strict and extreme regarding religion,  I don't agree with them but I do know I'm not faking it... I don't pretend to b religious, I just act the way I feel so, it's not a lie... Its real, right from my own heart... Somewhere I'm trying to make it all right...

And it's all weird.. My life, my emotions, my thinking...  It's all unusual..  I'm back to square one... Right where I was 8 or 9 months back... But it was different then... I didn't have the motivation to gey on with my life... The people closest to me were getting apart and it was all my doing... I can't blame them but then again maybe I'm not the one to be blamed as well... Maybe it was just a small thing... I make issues out of the smallest of things... And my bestie got married, she left the college, it's not something to feel bad about that's how life is... I  shouldn't miss her that much... But I do, and that's what I don't like... It's as if I argue with life, I argue with the most obvious things and I don't like it, I dont want that...

The fact that I'm not close to my family irritates me and I want to get rid of it... I've had other people to talk to, to trust, to share things... And now its just me...

But I have Allah Almighty with me... He's with me through every situation... No matter how hard it is, I always get through... He says in the Quran : "Remember me and I will remember you" and how thankless I am to not see His blessings, to not think He loves me... He loves man more than 70 mothers...  a single mother's love is beyond all boundaries... He loves us more than 70 mothers... He calls us 5 times a day but we don't bother... Even if we do pray... We think we'll get jannah just because we prayed... Even though we know it deep down that our prayers lacked the sincerity...
Jannah is very expensive... I remember what Amna said, "keep in mind praying salat 5 times is the minimum and jannah is very expensive, Allah Swt demands every single sacrifice "

If all we need is love why don't we return the love we get from our maker? If duniya makes us unhappy why can't we strive to make our hereafter better?? If the world crushes our emotions why can't we stop committing sins?? The choice is ours... Just for average 60 years of this world, we're ruining our afterlife... The choice is ours..