Where do we stand???

I got a letter form my friend today... When it comes to Islam, she's someone who inspires me. So I just read her letter. How did that make me feel? Am I hurt? No. Am I guilty? No, even if I am...I am sure it'll be less than 1 percent. What kind of Imaan do I have? Am I still the same? Do I still don't feel any urge to follow the right path? Do I even want to change myself? How much time has it been? 3 months...  3 whole months...  100 days... And what changes do I find in myself? Who should I blame this time? Society? Family? My friends? Or my ownself???

Where exactly do I stand? What answers do I have to my friend's  letter? What should I tell her? Hey I got your letter, you are good with words and your Imaan as you said is what I found wayyy better than mine. Is that it? Is that what I am supposed to do? Should I not worry about what she mentioned? Should I not expect my eyes to shed tears for the love of Islam? Should I even expect myself to feel? To feel the depth of her words.. How beautifully she said " someone recited Azaan in mt ears, when I got a little older my mother taught me kalma and I became a muslim.. ". Isn't that what we think being muslim is about?

We're born and Azaan is recited in our ears, we die and people say Namax at our funeral... And how long do we live? 60 years? 65? 70? Where does it even state we're gonna live that longer?Do we even know if clock strikes the next minute? And these worldly 60 years... They are just the size of grains compared to what our hereafter would be like..Where do we stand in our own life? What is it that we're doing for our hereafter? Do I pray? Ok yes Alhamdulillah I do pray... Or do I? We all know ourselves... How much we delay our prayers... How much Salaat we miss... The hurry we're in to get to our world and pray as quickly as possible... Where our mind roams around when we're praying... What faces we make if our parents force us to pray... And how unlucky we are... There are people who leave their families for the sake of Islam, and we..?? We're BORN Muslims and we don't respect that? We don't value our religion and we think it's a shame to follow it... Where are we even heading?

I shed tears easily... My friends say I didn't fully have an emotional development...  we laugh about it because I cry easily... On the tiniest problems I cry... But where are my tears when it comes to my Deen? How much do I cry in my prayers? Do I even do so? How much do we lack in our relationship with Allah and what do we even do about it? Ok yes I cried... 100 days back I was talking to Amna I told her I commit sins even though I pray regularly... I cried because i knew I was doing wrong... I wanted to escape this society where praying is considered being conservative... I cried because I didn't love the person who loved us 1400 years back... Who was he? He was a human... He had needs and wants like we all do... But who did he love? He loved his Ummat. He is prophet Muhammad SAW, he cared for his Ummat when we weren't even born... The time I cried.. Because I  knew I didn't love our prophet SAW... I didn't love him more than what I can love my parents or siblings or any other person... I didn't love him then and I cried...what about now? Do I love him now or am I still the same? I know the answer... Saying it won't matter would it? Or maybe it will make me change myself with the guilt...

There are questions that she asked... I don't how exactly I'll answer her... I guess we all need to ask ourself these questions each day...

How is your Imaan?

How is your Taaluk-e-Quran?

How do you read Quran?

How's your Salaat?

How is your link with  Prophet SAW and the Sahabaa?

How is the relationship?

Answer your ownself each day and ask yourself where you stand... If we can't answer them now... How will we answer them on the day of judgment? What will we say to our Lord? Sleep was more important.. Work was more important... Society norms and fashion was important?? I know had it been around 1 year back... Maybe I would have found it weird... Someone saying all this to me, I might have had my ears closed... But there's one thing... Deep down we all know we're doing wrong... Its all upon our own choices and our decisions how we mould ourselves for the world... We need to stand for ourself, our religion and not for the lust of this world... Stand firm for Islam, yet speak to others with your actions before you speak with your words.. We have HIS love... Why do we want more? We don't need it... What we do need is forgiveness... We need to repent and not waste our time thinking we'll have old age to be religious... Praying 5 times a day doesn't make us religious, it simply makes us a Muslim.

The choice is ours...

Sometimes i feel I'm the dumbest person i know of... Considering what I'm doing with my life and how hopeless I am... It all breaks my heart to see what I have become... At times i feel like a hypocrite... Like I'm pretending to be good when I'm actually evil... I mean i don't know why but that's how I do feel... At on side that's how I am... The way I feel, I react... But on the other... Its like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not... Maybe its because I get depressed or maybe it's something else... I don't know for sure... But there's one thing I know... When my family says I'm becoming strict and extreme regarding religion,  I don't agree with them but I do know I'm not faking it... I don't pretend to b religious, I just act the way I feel so, it's not a lie... Its real, right from my own heart... Somewhere I'm trying to make it all right...

And it's all weird.. My life, my emotions, my thinking...  It's all unusual..  I'm back to square one... Right where I was 8 or 9 months back... But it was different then... I didn't have the motivation to gey on with my life... The people closest to me were getting apart and it was all my doing... I can't blame them but then again maybe I'm not the one to be blamed as well... Maybe it was just a small thing... I make issues out of the smallest of things... And my bestie got married, she left the college, it's not something to feel bad about that's how life is... I  shouldn't miss her that much... But I do, and that's what I don't like... It's as if I argue with life, I argue with the most obvious things and I don't like it, I dont want that...

The fact that I'm not close to my family irritates me and I want to get rid of it... I've had other people to talk to, to trust, to share things... And now its just me...

But I have Allah Almighty with me... He's with me through every situation... No matter how hard it is, I always get through... He says in the Quran : "Remember me and I will remember you" and how thankless I am to not see His blessings, to not think He loves me... He loves man more than 70 mothers...  a single mother's love is beyond all boundaries... He loves us more than 70 mothers... He calls us 5 times a day but we don't bother... Even if we do pray... We think we'll get jannah just because we prayed... Even though we know it deep down that our prayers lacked the sincerity...
Jannah is very expensive... I remember what Amna said, "keep in mind praying salat 5 times is the minimum and jannah is very expensive, Allah Swt demands every single sacrifice "

If all we need is love why don't we return the love we get from our maker? If duniya makes us unhappy why can't we strive to make our hereafter better?? If the world crushes our emotions why can't we stop committing sins?? The choice is ours... Just for average 60 years of this world, we're ruining our afterlife... The choice is ours..