I've been numb lately. It's not the very first time, but I know this time it's different... Do I feel anything? No. Why? I don't know. But I do hurt others, sometimes unintentionally and sometimes even intentionally. Is that revenge? Yes, maybe it is.
Okay so this is how it is, I do feel hurt, I do feel angry, I do feel irritated, getting angry is my 2nd nature, and surely within the last 2 months it got stronger. So what does it mean when I say I don't feel? It simply means I don't feel. But how can I say that when I know I do feel the emotions I just mentioned? I feel negative emotions time to time, but not the positive ones.
If I don't feel positive emotions, then it means I don't feel happy? Not exactly, I am happy. Does being happy include whining about everything? No, but I know I feel happy. When was the last time I felt truly happy? Not sure about it, but I do spend time happily. Do I feel happy around my family? No, I feel like I don't share much to feel happy with them, but otherwise I'm happy. Do I feel happy when I'm with my friends? Yes, maybe... Because when I'm with them, most of the time I'm least depressed. So even my friends don't make me happy? They do, they made me happy on my birthday by arranging a surprise for me. So that's materialistic happiness? Maybe, but I was happy about their efforts and not just their gifts. So my friends made efforts on one day and I became happy, otherwise I feel unhappy? Not exactly, but mostly I'm in such a state of mind that I don't bother about anything going on. Do I listen to them when they talk? Yes I do, mostly I know what they talk about and I respond even when I'm not interested in their topics. They don't have interesting topics to talk about? They do have good topics but I don't like them, I feel uninterested. So my friends make efforts to make me happy and they haven't cut off even though they know I feel uninterested in their conversations, and I say I don't feel happy because of them? I don't feel that happy, but I know I should, it's my fault not theirs.
So my friends are not the reason for making me feel unhappy. It's all inside my own head and I've known it. But friends aren't the only one I interact write, do I feel happy around strangers? If that's a totally unknown person, I can talk freely... And even when I'm not in a good mood, I can start up an interesting conversation and enjoy it. And what about known unknowns? I feel nervous because when people know me through someone else, I don't feel comfortable. I wonder what they know about me, what they think about me, so when I talk to them I feel weird.
So coming back to the numbness, I have been feeling emotionless, or maybe positive emotionless. Yes, that's the word. I don't feel affectionate towards others, I don't care about other people and their feelings. All I care about? Is the fact that I've been hurt... And I blame others for it... Maybe my heart is in a state of denial... Maybe it blame others for the sin it commits... Countless endless sins... Maybe I am too coward to admit that it's not others... Maybe I am the one who is wrong... Maybe it's my heart that has hardened not my behavior.
